Out of the blue, I visited my old Multiply site. I revisited my blogs and others posts (pictures, videos, etc.). Apparently, this was the last “piece” I wrote back then. In recall, I was pretty much in a bind when I wrote this. It took me more than a year before I was able to write this, because I was exhausted in a number of areas of my life. I guess you’ll better understand my predicament as you read along.
To my surprise, too, it was exactly a year ago when I posted this blog. God really has His sense of humor, don’t you think? 🙂
As I spent time to read it with fresh eyes and to remember what has been happening then, I couldn’t help but be saturated with awe of God’s lovingkindness and His being in control of our life’s details. Today, I could honestly say that I haven’t arrived at my “promised land” yet. But my heart’s more intact now, and my faith has been made stronger during this entire span of time (July 27, 2010-July 27, 2011). There’s much room to improve on and so many things to learn from the Lord, but I’m thankful that I’m on the right track.
May you be reminded of the Lord’s grace, as I impart to you a portion of my life journey
“Roof Off. Walls Downs.” (circa 2010)
It’s been quite a long “wilderness” experience on my part in the past six or seven months, earnestly asking the Lord for clearer directions. My heart has been often in an agitated state, to the point of getting frustrated with myself and with the situation, breaking down before the Lord in my personal times of prayer.
My job’s inconsistent. The small business I started seems to not work. I couldn’t get clients. I feel like a failure in every attempt to rise again. My wallet rants here and there. Bills are scattered on my office table. Obligations surround me. I fear what my family might say about the way I handle my budget. (I hardly have the money to spend in the first place!) I appear so clueless. I simply can’t wait for an answer, because I want a solution now.
Yet when I go pick up that thick leather-bound Book, I lose the courage to question the Lord (or even blame Him or other people) about what’s happening in my life now. As I meditate, it’s as if I resemble a Moses who never runs out of excuses or just another stubborn Israelite who never runs out of complaints. Reading through excerpts of the Lord reminding people to not fear was a common scene as I sought and strived to read the Word from cover to cover.
“What now”? What should I do with all the bills and obligations that I need to settle? I get strength and encouragement, yes. Those have been momentary solutions, perhaps. The “right now” attitude keeps silent for a while, but still surfaces when pressure creeps in, as you notice. Equally, however, the Lord pours out His Word into my heart giving me hope, whispering again to keep still.
“Fine, Lord, I will wait”, I muttered.
About a week ago, I stepped into a coffee shop with my Bible, another book, and my journal. I read for about two or three hours, I guess. There, the author of the book and the Author of life tackled a profound lesson on brokenness. More so, a lifestyle of brokenness was, in a way, proposed. “Okay, let’s see where this will lead…” I thought. I wrote down my ideas in response, and honestly put my present struggles into writing. As I surveyed through my writings, I never imagined how much pride and insecurity I’ve been carrying inside of me. I ended up just closing my eyes, in fervent prayer, and allowing God to strip me off anything that keeps me from getting His main point.
Roof off, and walls down.
The Lord wanted me to be straightforward and sincere – to Him and to myself. From the outside, I may seem patient because of the nature of my profession, but in the unseen recesses of my heart, I am not. I might have thought I was humble, yet my level of humility as of that moment was not enough.
You see, the present trouble is not finding the destination. The problem is that I don’t get the point why I had to wait.
God never fails to educate me (and you) on the lessons of humility and in having an authentic relationship with Him. To be frank, I still don’t know where I’m being lead to now. No staff. No clear pillar of cloud, nor a pillar of fire yet. But I believe the invisible roof I have placed between me and God, and the invisible walls I’ve put up – so that people would not see my state of brokenness and rottenness – are both on the process of breaking down. That’s a good start. And for that, I am grateful to God.
How about you? Maybe you can join me in this journey of learning to live a lifestyle of waiting and of brokenness. Maybe you can likewise start tearing down those unseen roofs and walls in your life.
*Link to the original post — http://unashamed.multiply.com/journal/item/13/Roof_Off._Walls_Down.